Stick it 2 the MAN!!!1 Live ur life 4 urself and don't let n e one tell u wat 2 do. ~*~nO rEgReTs~*~
... or ... not.
It is a little misleading though. Living without apologies? Sounds like the standard rant of the rebellious, determined-to-be-independent teen. Screw the rest of the world because I do what I want and no one can tell me otherwise! Except—that isn't it. Turns out that like any intelligently supported belief, it takes some explanation.
So what do I mean, exactly? I guess that is the question after all. If I'm not advocating sticking it to the man (which ... I'm not), then what the heck am I talking about?
Here's some fun trivia about me: I'm ~~insecure~~. I tend to hide what I'm thinking because it is so much easier to play the middle ground than to take a side. And when I do try to express myself, I talk too much, and repeat myself, and go in spiderwebby directions, and it takes me a good long while to come up with what exactly I'm trying to say and I repeat myself in the process. And I'm self-conscious about it. In fact, I am so uncomfortably aware of how much I talk (and without saying a whole lot) that I get lost in my own monologue, and then I try to backspace my entire speech and narrow it down to a more concise version of my point. The problem with this is that I suck at it, and I take twice as long to have an opinion because I've spent so much time apologizing for it. I don't want to take up people's time; I'm sure that they're sick of listening. There's no way that they're actually following my train of thought because I've confused myself and probably forgotten where I was headed in the first place.
And while this manifests itself in the form of communication, it is caused by a general doubt in myself and in my worth. And because my communication (or lack thereof) frustrates and discourages me, it then adds to that general self-doubt... it's a downward spiral feeding on itself, and it comes down to the fear that my opinion isn't good enough.
Here's the thing: I'm pretty damn sick of this.
The simple fact of the matter is that I'm not good enough. And I have the Word of God to back me up on that one: "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." [1] And it's taken me quite some time to realize that this doesn't just mean that I'm going to break the commandments somewhere along the line. It means I'm going to feel ashamed of myself most of the time. I'm not going to make the best decisions. I'm going to keep trying to be stronger and wiser and less angsty and less useless. And I'll never get where I want to be, because I'm broken.
So... fuck it, right? Might as well live without apologies, because if I'm never going to be perfect, why bother trying?
Well why bother living then, if it's never going to amount to anything?
No kids, I'm not advocating suicide. I'm making a point. The point is that's depressing and awful, and even the people who say that and mean it want some kind of escape. And the beauty of this whole commentary is that there is escape.
Because "I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." [2] There it is, right there in inspired black and white: I can't screw it up. I can't do anything to prevent him from loving me, and I can't do anything to get him to love me more ("for by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast"). [3]
Kinda takes off the pressure, doesn't it.
And it sounds like ... party time! My works don't save me, and God won't stop loving me, so I might as well live the life and have as much fun as I can while I'm here! Bring on the kegs and the weed!
Just kidding. "Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life." [4]
(Fun fact: I hate the word "newness.")
Anyway.
Living without apology isn't an excuse to do whatever I want, because I want to. It doesn't mean that I'm not going to apologize for the things I do wrong, or that I won't be aware of the effects my actions have on other people. The very idea of "living without apology" is something of a lie, because I'm a naturally apologetic person. I don't actually think it would be possible for me to stop apologizing.
But that's the beauty of it all. I'll always fall short, and I'll always make apologies. But what I do isn't the point. What God has done, will do, and continues to every single day—that's the point. The point is that I am covered by his grace, and that my failures have no effect on his love or my salvation.
Living without apology means "liv[ing] as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God." [5] Living without apology is remembering that I was created by a God who loves me enough to sacrifice his own son to save me. And "if God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" [6]
I'm making a stand. A stand against myself, against my sinful humanity. A stand that says that I have been rescued, and I am no longer a slave to sin. I'm going to learn how to trust God, in life and in the things to come, but especially when it comes to his purpose and love for me. Because "by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain." [7]
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[1] Romans 3:23
[2] Romans 8:38-39
[3] Ephesians 2:8-10
[4] Romans 6:1-4
[5] 1 Peter 2:16
[6] Romans 8:31-32
[7] 1 Corinthians 15:10a
