the human condition

My friend Jasmine found this article, and it actually doesn't sound like a terrible idea.

Arguments happen. Two people in a relationship will not always agree, and this results in a conflict. This is normal, and this is a part of what makes life interesting, to say the least. But I am always so confused when those arguments become actual fights ... because even while they're happening, a part of me is standing on the outside going "what the hell is wrong with you guys?!"

Don't get me wrong. I fight, and I fight dirty, and usually there isn't much to bring me down from my passionate indignant moment because I'm right, dammit, and the other guy is being a total moron, and why can't he see that? But you have to admit, once you've got a little space, you can look back and go "wow. that was kind of pointless." Because usually, they are. Well ... sort of. Usually the specific fight is pointless. But the big thing underneath the fight, the usually-unspoken-(semi)permanent-issue, is something that still needs fixing. And that's the thing that it's so hard to talk about, because sometimes it's even beyond our actual conscious thought process.

I guess the question I'm getting at is why do we fight. And the initial answer is pretty obvious. We have frustration with one thing in our lives and we take it out on the unfortunate person next to us. We have baggage from past relationships and project those issues on to the unfortunate person next to us. The person next to us does something that irritates us, and for whatever reason (see above) we snap and lash out at them for ticking us off. Heck, sometimes that other person is just being a jerk and we don't like it--and that actually gets closer to the question I'm asking.

What is that moment between "argument" (a conflict of interest) and "fight" (the kind with yelling, and slamming doors, and being so sure you're right that you refuse to see the other person's point). How does that happen? Why do we suddenly lose control and need to win? What are we even trying to win?

In my experience, these fights only happen with the people you love. Namely here the person with whom you are in a romantic relationship. And in that scenario, isn't the idea to work together? To take on the rest of life side by side (or back to back, depending on the situation)? So why is it that it's so easy for conflict to put the two of you at war with each other?

... I don't have an answer for this, if that's what you're hoping for. I mean obviously people fight because they perceive that something they value (usually about themselves) is being attacked. And then they want to defend it, and when people are defensive they are also ... offensive. And that's where the fights start. And yes, let us not forget that there is sin in the world and no one is perfect. Selfish nature wins involuntarily over love, and we put our own bad self (see what I did there) over the other person's well-being, and a fight is begun.

Okay. I get all of this. So that's where the fight sparks to life. But what keeps us going? Where do our brains GO in that half hour, and why can we come back together at the end of it, or even a day later, and go "wow that was stupid, let's never do THAT again"? Are we no longer ourselves when we fight? Do we just check out and let the territorial angry-animal side take over for a little while? Why is it so impossible to take a minute to try to see it from the other person's point of view, and try to understand what is bothering them, and (most importantly) put that person's interests before our own and therefore not only resolve the dispute but also help that person?

I know, I know. Original sin. Sinful human nature. I guess the answer is obvious; it's just not an answer I want, because I can't do anything about it. So maybe a safe-word would help, because that distance from each other is what clears heads and helps people think more rationally. More like themselves. The problem is that you have to have a certain amount of humility to call that time-out, and when I'm all crazed and animal-like it's kind of hard to muster that up.

post script: muster is such a weird word

things to take: a breath; stuff to storage; one day at a time

I haven't written in a while and this is kind of disappointing to me, since I was pretty excited to have a blog that wasn't just a compilation of funny and/or geeky re-posts of pictures or quotes (that's what tumblr is for). But I think the problem here is that I haven't yet figured out this blog's purpose. I created it on a day when I was feeling particularly wise and intellectual, and I have tried to write only things that had some sort of intellectual point to them. And then I kind of stopped, because sometimes I just don't feel intellectual... sometimes I just feel regular, or even kind of silly (or even kind of dumb), and then I don't feel moved to write anything at all.

So maybe that's my problem: that I need to feel inspired, one way or another, to write something smart. I have to be feeling it, and I have to have the time and nothing else to do in order to feel that way. I also have to be inside, because it's hard to see my laptop screen inside and I really like to be outside when it's so damn nice out.

But then I leave this blog to sit and gather dust, and I spend a lot of time reading (which is good) but not writing (which ... is less good). I keep waiting for days off (like today) so I can sit in Arcadia (the Spring Green bookstore/coffee house) and write something thoughtful and intellectual, and then I get here and discover that this blank-page of a day is too wide open for me to make up my mind. Do I want to finish my hard copy of the Princess Bride? or do I want to start Water for Elephants, which I have just borrowed to my brand new Kindle? Am I feeling up to applying my mind to my email to Keaton, or to a similar discussion with a friend over previous posts? Should I be studying for the GRE so I can pick a day at random to take the exam, so I can start applying to grad schools? (there's a right answer to that last one, and it's "yes" except ... ugh. studying for standardized tests is NOT how I want to spend any day, let alone a day off).

On the bright side, all of my options are relatively intelligent. Lack of internet access means no watching of netflix, so I can even go home and do smart things, since I don't technically need the internet for them. But going home means finishing thank-you notes (which are already a month overdue) or packing up wedding gifts so we can get them out of the living room and into our (overpriced) storage unit. Going home means what am I making for dinner, and maybe I should nap on the porch because it's just mmm so lovely out there.

I guess that's my life right now. A big blank page of "you just got married! what are you gonna do next??" filled with a lot of good intentions but not a lot of action. And to top it all off, I really miss being around my friends back home or back at school, and even though I really want to go to UW Madison for school, I don't look forward to the fact that it will be a few years before I'll be able to call one of them up for a last-minute Target run.

Days like today remind me that life is still ... life-y, even though it feels like a major section of the story has concluded and I've begun a new one (entitled "Grown Up and Married and Everything"). It's actually pretty awesome to realize that all I'm doing is working right now, and I have wide open afternoons to sit and be intellectual. I've been reading a ton and I have writing projects and it's actually pretty lucky that I don't have internet at home, so the battle is really between me and myself. I think this summer is going to be about making decisions (to read or to write ... that is the question) and about being less stressed out about time. Days off happen twice a week whether I realize it or not, and they don't have to be chock-full of Getting Stuff Done!!! because there are still five other afternoons to do things. And I have no deadlines for any of this (another blessing-and-curse, but there it is). And the sun will be here, all summer, and I will still get to spend some time in it, even if I also spend some time in Arcadia writing posts with unexpected and less-than-truly-intellectual themes.

the wretched stone

I keep setting aside time to use the internet at Starbucks. And then I sit and tool around on the facebook, and scroll down my tumblr feed until I get bored, and then I realize that unless I actually want to Sit & Write, there’s no point to being online. And even if I did want to S&W, I don’t necessarily need the computer for that. At least not for the writing part. And i don’t feel like being intelligent just now … so … I’m basically just wasting time.

And I’ve been thinking a lot about this, especially since we don’t have internet at the new house yet. And part of me (a very foreign part, I might add) thinks that maybe I don’t really need to have internet. Because when I don’t have it, I find other things to do with my time. Like read or write or clean or whatever. It’s kind of crazy to be honest.

BUT then again - what about important emails, or if i want to study for the GRE (which I can do online for free vs paying for a hard copy of the material) or looking up directions, or things like that? Gotta admit, it’s handy having internet at the your fingertips. For both procrastiblogging and for staying on top of life-things.

Granted, I don’t think I’ll need to worry about real-life stuff for the next couple months, so it’s not like I need internet right at this moment. And in reality, there are three other people in the house and they will probably vote on getting intarwebs (and then the issue will be whether I have the self control to stay away or not… probably not).

plus-netflix!

-_-

It is a quite interesting place to be.

in which piera admits that blogging is a relatively cowardly way of voicing her thoughts

(because I know that not a whole lot of people read this blog, and I'm pretty sure I know all of you anyway, and it's not a public mini-feed forum like facebook)

Fact: I hate getting involved in political discussions, namely because I rarely know enough to form an opinion worth having. I have vague ideas of opinions, but since I'm too lazy to do research I just try to stay away altogether.

Fact: I dislike getting involved in religious discussions, because they are largely political, and because I am afraid to misrepresent that which I believe. I also hate getting into heated debates when it is obvious that there will not be a clear "winner." Most people get pretty worked up when you suggest they might be headed in the wrong direction (heck, just say the word "wrong" to most people and you might as well be talking to a wall), and I have not found the courage to step into a discussion like this, because at the end of it I am afraid of ruining my relationships. Therefore I usually shy away from discussions with people who do not share my general perspectives on faith and its relevance in everyday life. I am not proud of this fact (and this habit tends toward [is?] the sin of omission), but this is, as previously stated, just a fact.

Another (unfortunate?) fact is that I don't always voice my opinions in the Lutheran realm either. I have found that I stray toward the liberal side of conservative, and if I speak up without a well-armed artillery of reasonable support for my thoughts, I find myself not only talking to a wall, but talking to a wall who will spend a decently long amount of time convinced that I am straying from the one true God. Or the one true doctrine, depending on the person/wall. This is unfortunate, because I have several great topics of discussion that I wouldn't mind getting into (and I definitely wouldn't mind some feedback, or having more things to ponder)—but there are always the possibilities of misrepresenting my thoughts (or beliefs), or of taking the discussion from "intellectual" to "emotional and personal" and therefore causing problems between myself and the other person. So I pick and choose my battles discussions, and keep quiet about the rest.

All of that having been said, I wish to post an image that I will not, for all of the previously-stated reasons, share on the facebook.

Comments are welcome, but I will be scared of them. Regardless of who you are.

i've never written fan mail before

I just finished the book Pegasus by Robin McKinley. it was … incredible. just like everything she writes. I “liked” her page on facebook, added her blog to my favorites list, and posted this on her wall:

When I reach the end of your novels I am generally shocked to remember that I am reading a book and that good writers have the freedom to end their novels whenever and however they like. I closed Pegasus about ten minutes ago (after staring helplessly at the last few blank pages for a minute or two) and got online praying to see an announcement, or even a rumor, of a sequel. I won’t *like* being troubled for two years, but at least there is hope for resolution.

Thank you for continuing to tell fantastic stories.

… I’m not-so-secretly hoping she replies to me. #bigdork

She's on the list of authors I want to be like one day. Not in the sense of copying their writing (because that would be silly) but because she, among a few others (Gail Carson Levine, Megan Whalen Turner, Tamora Pierce), has a way of writing that draws me in so completely that sometimes I really do forget that I'm sitting in the breakroom at Starbucks and I have to be back at work in 7 minutes. I'm always mildly embarrassed to admit that I read "young adult fantasy fiction," and more so to admit that sometimes I need to read them in the privacy of my room, where I can allow the story to take me somewhere else, and I can allow myself to be completely and emotionally involved in the story.

And then I remember that there are authors out there who continue to write these novels, and write them for people like me. And that they also want to be whisked away to a foreign land and spend enough time there to fall in love, and come back to the world with new ideas and new memories--and that, in the end, is why they keep writing.

an unpopular opinion

These are more or less my thoughts exactly, so I present this article without additional comment.

Except, of course, for mentioning that I cannot wait to get married.

You can’t open the book of my life and jump in the middle.

-- Malcolm Reynolds
Joss Whedon's Firefly