Thursday, July 12

getting there

Kaylee: how come you don't care where you're going?
Book: 'cos how you get there is the worthier part. [1]
I have a 45 minute commute to work in the morning. At 4am I pretty much sail through the countryside, since I'm only sharing the road with the occasional semi truck or raccoon. But on the way home, there's a decent amount of traffic, and on a two-lane highway with a lot of curves, it's hard to pass the people who are afraid to even go 55mph (which is the actual speed limit). Because it's a country road and it's generally acceptable to be going somewhere between 60-65, getting stuck behind these drivers is incredibly frustrating. And most of the time, there's really nothing to be done. You're stuck going 50 mph behind a line of seven cars, and that's just how it's going to be.

On the bright side, a lot of driving time also equals a lot of thinking time. It occurs to me, while I'm hot and tired and impatient with people, that I'm still moving forward, one way or another, and there's more to the journey than just getting to your destination. I think about this in three-lane traffic too, when there's a mass of cars all moving the same speed, and merging around each other into different lanes. Aside from the fact that it's pretty fascinating that all those tons of metal are moving at high speeds as one general forward-moving group of people, there's also only so much that a person can do to get from Point A to Point B. Traffic might be going at 65 mph, and you might get up to 70 dodging around a car or two, but you're still going to get stuck behind more cars all going 65. You have three different lane options, but you still have to be aware of the people and the world around you. You can't just skip ahead to the place you're headed for--you have to pay attention to what's right in front of you. And in the end, it might take a little longer than you'd like to get where you're going, but you're still going to get there.

Am I the only crazy person finding some profundity in this?

The thing about life is... you just have to keep living it. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it's awesome. Sometimes you don't know how you're going to making through the day and sometimes you never want the day to end. But the world is still turning and eventually your body will make you sleep and if you want to keep taking care of yourself (let alone anyone else in your life) you'll have to wake up, and eat, and go to work, and so on.

And some days, I hate it. Some days I'm bored and I'm frustrated with my surroundings, and I just want to pass the car in front of me and move on to the next part of my life.

When I discovered Ecclesiastes 3 a couple of years ago, I was shocked at how directly it applied to my thought process. It's not that the rest of the Bible doesn't apply to me, but the first 13 verses of Ecclesiastes speak to my heart in a way that few passages do.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. (Ecc 3:1)
There is a time for everything. I believe in a God whose design for our lives is greater than our emotions. I believe in a God whose love is greater than my sadness. Or my boredom, for that matter. I believe we're all in the neverending process of learning and of growing, and as such, we're in the neverending process of moving forward. Because things still change. They have to. We have birthdays, go to school, get jobs--heck, we wake up and do stuff and go to sleep, just because it's what we're made to do. We create relationships with people who are also moving forward, and then we learn and grow from them, and sometimes they stay with us and sometimes they don't. Summer will turn into fall eventually, and then to winter, and then next year will be here and I will be remarking on how quickly the last year seemed to pass by. Life is more or less a string of moments, one after another, cause-and-effect, and every moment (whether it's made up of seconds or weeks or years) is affected by the past and changes the future. (see here for some nerdiness in regards to the Greek word for "season").

The point is, if I spent my whole life skipping from one momentous event to the next, I would miss all the life in between. And the thing about life is that it's not always fun or beautiful. Sometimes it's stupid or stressful or miserable. Sometimes it's just plain boring. Plus, by the way, it's impossible for me to actually skip the "boring" parts of my life. But fortunately I'm still moving forward, by necessity of the laws of nature, and everything changes. And what's more, everything changes in its own time (which is to say, everything changes on God's time, and not mine). My destination never changes--I know where I'll end up, and every day I'm another step closer--but for the present, I have to pay attention to my surroundings. And chances are good that something can be learned from those surroundings, even if it's as simple a thing as patience.

---
[1] from Serenity, the pilot episode of Firefly

Wednesday, July 11

active procrastiblogging

I desperately need new glasses.

I have re-superglued the crack on the left side about 11 times, and I am not kidding about this. The lens doesn't even fit into the frames the right way because the glue is in the way. I have found my current frames online and I could theoretically order them, if I can find a place that will a) take my insurance and b) use the frames I bought somewhere else. Or I could just go get new glasses like a normal person. But that would require, you know, taking the initiative to make an appointment and picking out new frames and everything.

I also registered for the GRE. Finally. And the date is coming up quickly--August the first, in case you were wondering--and I need to study for it. And I have some free study materials from on-the-lines, and a friend of mine gave my family a study book to borrow to read. I have not been able to pick it up from my mom's yet, but at least I can use it. Some day.

And while I'm in the process of studying, I want to be actually applying for school, since most deadlines are December-ish and I'm hoping to get it out of the way and off my chest. And also that applying early makes me look eager and enthusiastic (although realistically that probably doesn't matter). Applying means creating a CV, which is like a glorified resume from what I can tell, and also writing a statement of purpose. And that statement of purpose should be a piece of fluffywonderful angel food cake, because for goodness sake I've wanted to do this for years now and the hardest part of writing it should be keeping it between 300 and 500 words.

And I am avoiding all of this SO. HARD.

I still am not entirely sure why. I really and truly want to do all of these things. In my free thinking time I daydream about being back in school, about ~learning~ and about being a TA and then about teaching my very own Comp classes. I want to write my memoir (says the 23-year-old) and write my novel(s) and start translating Greek again. I want to use all this free summertime, because all I do right now is work.

Well. Work and stress about things that I need to do, instead of actually doing any of them. For goodness sake I spend more time writing about how I never write than I do actually... writing.

I have always had a problem with deadline-less projects. If there's no last minute, it just never gets done. So practically speaking, I will be studying for the GRE m a y b e two nights before the test, and definitely the day before. And I'll still feel like I'm winging it (which I will probably be doing anyway, but what can you do). I probably won't apply until December 6 (and the deadline for UWMad is Dec 8). I will probably have the mad scramble amid plenty of other plans and every time someone asks about the status of my application I will kick myself for not being on top of it.

But I don't want to DO those things. And I don't know how to fix them. I find reasons to excuse my lack of motivation--I don't have a desk, so I feel disorganized. I'm afraid of getting a bad test score, or of not getting into the school I want, so I put it off to defend myself from rejection. My early-to-bed work schedule makes it hard for me to focus because I'm worried about getting home and getting sleep (because I'm worried about falling asleep on my drive in to work). The excuses are endless. And they are all just excuses, and I know better.

I just don't know how to fix it. I am honestly starting to wonder if something is wrong with my brain, because I don't really think I have this weak of character that I can't just sit down and DO something. I also have anxiety about the passing of time, and then somehow I tend to use it stupidly even while I am angsting about needing to be productive. I feel disconnected and lost because the only person I am accountable to, really, is myself. And that's not a good enough reason to get shit done.

Let's skip past the self-esteem/emotional baggage part (I've been through that) and move right along to, "Piera, for the love of chocolate, you are 23 and out of college and married and living life mostly like an adult. It's time to grow the heck up and deal with yourself and your life and stop whining about this nonsense."

Or maybe I should be looking up local counselors because I have weird anxiety problems and it's affecting me in bizarre writer's-block-y ways.

I like neither one of these answers.

Saturday, July 7

this is a pointless rant


I know this may come as a surprise to a lot of you fangirls out there, but LOKI IS A BADGUY.


Yeah yeah, I get the whole misunderstood thing, how he's just lost and lonely and feels betrayed and unloved and all that nonsense. But the thing is, he's had plenty of chances to get his head out of his ass and realize that (a) his father really did love him, frost giant heritage or not, and (b) everyone would have welcomed him back and tried to work it out if he had given up his "the throne should be mine" obsession back during Thor. But once The Avengers came around and Loki was still trippin from not being good enough to be king of Asgard, I kind of gave up wanting him to turn out okay.

I appreciate good character development. And a huge part of Loki's character development is understanding that he was adopted, and it really has to be a big deal to realize that your kinspeople are The Enemy and no one told you until you were an adult (although Odin chose not to tell him because he didn't want Loki to grow up feeling less important, so I have a hard time feeling TOO bad for his awkward discovery). Plus his brother is good at everything, and said brother used to be an arrogant impulsive jerk. So it kind of makes sense that Loki would be jealous upset when Thor, who fell out of favor (and out of Asgard), regains his father's respect and restores his rightful place as heir to the throne. Especially if Loki doesn't understand the change that happened to Thor on earth, because while us Americans watched him change, Loki only saw before and after shots, and he wasn't really paying attention anyway.

These are all important factors to consider when understanding Loki. He's not just evil for the sake of being evil; the argument could even be made that he's not evil at all, just misdirected and malajusted, and does that necessarily make a person evil?

But people, let's have some perspective. It's not necessarily the fault of Thor or Odin that Loki turned out the way he did. Loki's got a brain; he could have figured out. He could have shut up and listened to what they were trying to tell him, because while he may feel that they have betrayed him, they never actually did. Thor loves his brother, and that's evident through both of the movies. But Thor also isn't a wuss and doesn't just give Loki what he wants so Loki will quit with the temper tantrums. Sometimes people get hurt--that's life. And when people are hurt they react in weird ways, and even that is understandable, because everyone does it. But there comes a point when you just need to GET OVER YOURSELF ALREADY.  Life is about making choices. And Loki spends a good deal of his life making bad ones, and somehow this makes him a tragic hipster icon. ~~ooh look at Loki, he's all twisted and has sad puppy eyes and I just want to hug him and make it all okay.

What? Girls, for goodness sake. He isn't even badass enough to get minions--he needs to use mind control. And mind control is never okay. And did you notice the part where he monologues about power... but only to people who are obviously not as strong as him, because they're not even from the same world as he is (and by the way, it was maybe a bad idea to do it in Germany, where they're a little touchy about scary power-hungry leaders). And face it, you've got to be a little unstable to start spazzing out at the Hulk. So tell me, because I must be missing it--which part of this is attractive? He's a whiny brat who probably got that way because his dad felt bad that he was actually a frost giant, and let him get away with some stuff, which is how he turned into a greasy weasel. But once you reach a certain age, you need to start being accountable for your actions. Even IF his feelings of betrayal were justified (which really, they weren't), he still would need to eventually move on and learn to deal instead of throwing a temper tantrum.

I feel a little sympathy for people who are hurt and who go a little crazy as a result. Because we've all been there. But when you go crazy and stay crazy, and refuse to try to work it out with anyone, I don't want to hug you. Even if you do have sad puppy eyes.