thanks, i like my glasses too

My one professor, who said he would be happy to recommend me for graduate school, hasn't turned in his letter. It was due on Saturday. The popular consensus is that I have to call him and speak to him directly about it. I mean, most likely he forgot (he's busy! and also a poet), and probably once I mention it he'll immediately feel terrible and send it in. But ... I don't want to call him. It feels so horribly confrontational. I don't want to make him feel bad, and I don't want to be in his face about a huge favor he is doing for me. I know, I know, he said he would, and it would just be being assertive--I get all of this. But it doesn't change the fact that presenting the problem to him (and in an actual conversation, not behind the safety of email) is terrifying.

Confrontation is one of those cliche things to be afraid of, and therefore, it really annoys me that I am so afraid of it. Especially because I also know exactly which childhood event made me hate it so much, and which other past events fueled that fear, and it's all so textbook that I feel like I really just need to get over it. And to make matters worse, the few times I do choose to be confrontational are usually influenced by adrenaline (or sometimes alcohol, but I never said that) and I go a little overboard and cause problems rather than actually being helpful. I have approximately one friend (you know who you are) with whom I am blatantly, confrontationally honest, but that's because our relationship started off that way. I was at a time in my life when I didn't have a lot to lose, and I was sick of not saying what I thought. That time, unfortunately, has passed.

What I hate most about this situation is the fact that it's not just about confrontation in the "let me tell you something you may or may not want to hear" sense. It's about how I live my life, and how I present myself to other people. It's about being afraid to be a person who makes a statement. It's about having people in my life who I really like, and want desperately to like me, but I spend so much time trying not to be a certain way that I forget to have a personality at all. And then when I let go and act like myself, I over-analyze other people's reactions and try to adapt my personality to fit what I think they want. Problem A: I'm really bad at reading people. Problem B: seriously, Piera? how old are you again? Apparently I never grew up past sophomore year. (actually, ironically, I was more outgoing in tenth grade than I am now. I try not to think about that.)

For example, I like the way I look without glasses. But aside from the fact that my eyes are totally messed up and it's hard for me to focus on things--it's scary not to wear them. I have big plastic colorful frames and I like them because they make a statement, and because people notice my glasses and not my face. It's not even that I don't like my face. I just feel exposed without something bold between me and the other person.

And then there's all this second-guessing before I even start a thing. I can't just let it be what it is, and deal with things as they come--I have to analyze it all and troubleshoot all the possible outcomes and then I end up not getting started in the first place. I downloaded the Couch-to-5K app on my phone, because I really do want to have some kind of workout routine. Partially it's to be healthy, partially it's to see if I'm less tired all the time, partially it's because I want to feel better about my body, partially (mostly?) it's because I want to still look good after I have babies, and I guess I should probably start that now. And I've heard good things about the Couch to 5K program, and it sounds kind of excellent because I have NO exercise in my life right now... but then there are all these factors to think about. Do I pay $1.99 for the actual app or just use the free knockoff version? Which three days of the week will I work out? Should I get a gym membership so I don't have to run in the icky cold snow? Should I go by distance or by time? Should I start doing yoga on my non-running days? Can I just get a yoga dvd and hope that I'm doing it right, or should I join a class? When will I have time for all of this?
...see problem B, above.
It's not like it's even that hard. The whole idea is you just ... start doing it, and see how it works out, and take it slow, and ease yourself into it. But apparently that's not good enough for me. I have to know what I'm doing and how it will work and I have to have a Plan before I can start doing anything. And then, you guessed it, nothing ever changes. Because I don't have the answers and I'm mostly just afraid to find out on my own.

It gets to me because I know better. I have a foundation that is stronger than my emotions, and more important than whether people like me. I am saved by grace through faith; I am living as a person who is free; God's grace toward me was not in vain. I know all of this. I think somewhere at my core I really do believe all of it--I just don't know how to make it relevant. There is a disconnect somewhere between eternal salvation and my everyday life. Because salvation matters on the grand, life-and-death-and-hope-and-a-future scale, and my personal interaction ... doesn't. Because I can't see how it matters whether I feel comfortable in my skin, whether people like me, whether I feel confident and useful and worthy. I believe so much in design and in the grand construction of time and the world, and I believe so strongly in καιρός (the Greek term for "the perfect moment" or "suitable/favorable occasion"), that I've taught myself not to worry about each individual moment. Time is fleeting, and what matters now won't matter in the end, so why bother worrying?

This belief is both a huge relief and a huge hindrance. On the one hand--if it doesn't matter, and if time is fleeting, why be anxious about asking my professor about his letter? The moment will pass. Be bold, be confident, live your life because you only have right now to do it. But it also makes it harder to get anything done, because if the moment will pass then why bother doing anything in the first place? My self-consciousness, my personality, my whole existence is just a moment in time in the grand scheme of things, so why should it be relevant? Does God's grace extend even to my feeling confident in everyday conversation, to my ability to speak clearly and boldly and without fear?

I know it does. I know it does, and that asking these questions is ridiculous. I was in Sunday school, I know all the stories about Jesus' love for his people. He turned water into wine at a wedding--how relevant was that on the grand scale, compared to feeding 5000 people or, you know, coming back to life? He hung out with the outcasts, and taught them, sure, but also probably just ... chilled, had conversation over dinner, that sort of thing. I know that God's love for the world doesn't just pertain to our salvation, but also to our lives--he knows how many hairs we have, he created our faces and our abilities and our preferences, he wants us to be happy. How many times have I said this to people or written about this or fallen back on it to shake off anxiety or depression? Like I said, I know better.

It's just ... hard. It's hard to remember that the little things matter. It's hard to remember that I matter, that people do like talking to me, that my professor will probably appreciate me calling him up to remind him about his letter because he really does want me to succeed. It's hard to look at the past and know where all these problems started, and then say "well, that sucked, but it's time to move on," but it's even harder to actually do it. It's hard to get off my ass and get stuff done, because it's so much easier and safer to stay here in my living room watching Bones than it is to take up new projects.

I'm going to call my professor, because it's more important for me to try to get into grad school than it is for me to be angsty about it. I'm (hopefully) going for a run (well, a walk) today because I want to start being healthier, but check back in a few weeks to see if I've made any progress. I went in and auditioned for a play because I miss acting, and it was kind of intimidating not to be around Concordia people who are supportive and fun, but I did it, and I feel pretty good about how it went down.

So there's all that. I need to hold on to my baptized, spiritual nature, and I need to remember that every moment, however temporary, counts for something. It doesn't count for everything, but that doesn't mean it isn't important.

And I need to remember that that same principle applies to me.

being a grown-up is hard (that's why they invented procrastination)

On the agenda for this week: applying for grad school (now that the stupid GRE is over with, thank goodness) and looking/applying for jobs (if you work with me now, you can keep that tidbit of information to yourself for the time being...).

Annnd surprise, I'm procrastiblogging! Why? Because like all homework, I like to do everything else before I hunker down to do the real thing I have to do (if you're considering me for a job, please erase that from the record) (it's different when it's for a job) (anyway I have almost never handed in anything late, even if I stayed up until 4am doing it. That's dedication).

The real point of this post, however, is my frustration with present circumstances. Let me explain. My car is leaking gas and generally falling apart, and we would like to get a new car in order to not be worrying about mine collapsing. But in order to do this, I need a second job. Second-job hunting has transformed into job hunting, because a new, better-paying full-time job would not be so awful (I'm very steadily losing the optimism I once had about humanity). So I head tra-la down Obnoxious Job Search Lane and wind up in the Neighborhood of Education-Related Job Opportunities, because I somehow always gravitate toward those. And, surprisingly enough, I have found a couple of leads and I am at present avoiding writing cover letters and so on for applications.

So, you're thinking, what is the problem here?

The problem is my brain. I want to go to grad school next fall (I'm happily assuming here that I will get into any/all of my options, just let me have my delusions thank you very much and yes I know this is a run-on sentence). And that school could be here in Madison, or maybe in Chicago, or heck maybe even in Iowa (?!). And if I step into a job that's more than just an $8/hr service industry gig, I'll only be able to do it for about a year if I move anywhere other than here, and even if I stay here, I don't know if I can juggle a full time job and full time grad school at the same time (no, now is not a good time to remind me that I'll probably have to do that). Plus, I won't know about school until probably December at the very earliest, but if I waited until then to look for new jobs (because one more year at the 'bux when the end is in sight... that's not SO bad...) means that I'd only be at the new job for less than a year if I move. SO naturally because I am me, I worry about whether I will be letting people down by quitting after how many months of learning a job and learning how to do it well--and then again, what if I don't do it well? What if I actually really suck at secretarial things even though I somehow always end up looking for those kinds of jobs? What if I just stay at my job now until I go to school (which will take a lot of patience and prayers because I am frustrated now after only a year) and then discover that I don't want to teach English Comp and/or I'm a bad English Comp teacher and I should have studied graphic design all along? What if I do all this work to apply to jobs and to school and at the end of it, I have no new job options and I don't get into the schools I applied to and... and...

...and this is about where my thought-train kind of sputters and dies, because... so, I'm thinking, what's the problem here?

I have a job right now--a full time, with benefits, steady job. I'm making money, even if it's not a lot, or not enough for the lifestyle I want. I have a bachelors degree, even if I don't go back to school, and I have a lot of various experience, and I already know it's not my calling to work at the 'bux for the rest of my life. I already know I want to do more, and I already know that God will guide me to where he wants me to be. If that's not the places I'm looking, then he'll put it directly in my face so I can't miss it. Goodness knows he's done that before.

Piera. Do you believe all that stuff you say about design, and about everything working out when and how it's supposed to? Then what is the problem here?

The problem is my brain. I think too much. And if I stopped thinking about it and just starting applying and whatnot, I probably would have avoided a lot of this drama.

But then, dear 4.7 readers, I would not have written this post about patience and design and the uselessness of angst. And if that isn't dramatic irony for you then I should have failed all of my theatre classes.

hell is for hipsters (i do so wish i could take credit for the title ...)

Keaton sent me this link to his friend's blog, and I was a little bit shocked to realize how close to home it hit. Which is, I think, a little ironic.

Quiet Lives of Desperation — or — Hell is for Hipsters

in which many various pieces of my brain suddenly made sense

My mom is from New Orleans. And by from, I mean she was born there, and then moved around a bunch (pastor's kid and all) and then returned to NO for high school.

She frequently laments that she raised "a bunch of damn yanks," but don't tell her I told you.

And I knew my mom was a big fan of southern hospitality, and that she still wants to move back there, but I never realized how much her love of the city was a part of me until Brett Will Taylor wrote this article. Mom sent me the link (surprise) and I click it to peruse, as usual, and suddenly I'm reading it thinking ... yep... me too... wow, weird.

I have a lot of fragmented thoughts in my head, but it usually takes some kind of external stimulus for those thoughts to present themselves as a coherent, concrete idea. This was one of those times. I was raised in New Orleans ... I just had the misfortune to be living in other places.

Caveat: I don't know about #7. But then, I've never actually met a pit bull.

getting there

Kaylee: how come you don't care where you're going?
Book: 'cos how you get there is the worthier part. [1]

I have a 45 minute commute to work in the morning. At 4am I pretty much sail through the countryside, since I'm only sharing the road with the occasional semi truck or raccoon. But on the way home, there's a decent amount of traffic, and on a two-lane highway with a lot of curves, it's hard to pass the people who are afraid to even go 55mph (which is the actual speed limit). Because it's a country road and it's generally acceptable to be going somewhere between 60-65, getting stuck behind these drivers is incredibly frustrating. And most of the time, there's really nothing to be done. You're stuck going 50 mph behind a line of seven cars, and that's just how it's going to be.

On the bright side, a lot of driving time also equals a lot of thinking time. It occurs to me, while I'm hot and tired and impatient with people, that I'm still moving forward, one way or another, and there's more to the journey than just getting to your destination. I think about this in three-lane traffic too, when there's a mass of cars all moving the same speed, and merging around each other into different lanes. Aside from the fact that it's pretty fascinating that all those tons of metal are moving at high speeds as one general forward-moving group of people, there's also only so much that a person can do to get from Point A to Point B. Traffic might be going at 65 mph, and you might get up to 70 dodging around a car or two, but you're still going to get stuck behind more cars all going 65. You have three different lane options, but you still have to be aware of the people and the world around you. You can't just skip ahead to the place you're headed for--you have to pay attention to what's right in front of you. And in the end, it might take a little longer than you'd like to get where you're going, but you're still going to get there.

Am I the only crazy person finding some profundity in this?

The thing about life is... you just have to keep living it. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it's awesome. Sometimes you don't know how you're going to making through the day and sometimes you never want the day to end. But the world is still turning and eventually your body will make you sleep and if you want to keep taking care of yourself (let alone anyone else in your life) you'll have to wake up, and eat, and go to work, and so on.

And some days, I hate it. Some days I'm bored and I'm frustrated with my surroundings, and I just want to pass the car in front of me and move on to the next part of my life.

When I discovered Ecclesiastes 3 a couple of years ago, I was shocked at how directly it applied to my thought process. It's not that the rest of the Bible doesn't apply to me, but the first 13 verses of Ecclesiastes speak to my heart in a way that few passages do.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. (Ecc 3:1)

There is a time for everything. I believe in a God whose design for our lives is greater than our emotions. I believe in a God whose love is greater than my sadness. Or my boredom, for that matter. I believe we're all in the neverending process of learning and of growing, and as such, we're in the neverending process of moving forward. Because things still change. They have to. We have birthdays, go to school, get jobs--heck, we wake up and do stuff and go to sleep, just because it's what we're made to do. We create relationships with people who are also moving forward, and then we learn and grow from them, and sometimes they stay with us and sometimes they don't. Summer will turn into fall eventually, and then to winter, and then next year will be here and I will be remarking on how quickly the last year seemed to pass by. Life is more or less a string of moments, one after another, cause-and-effect, and every moment (whether it's made up of seconds or weeks or years) is affected by the past and changes the future. (see here for some nerdiness in regards to the Greek word for "season").

The point is, if I spent my whole life skipping from one momentous event to the next, I would miss all the life in between. And the thing about life is that it's not always fun or beautiful. Sometimes it's stupid or stressful or miserable. Sometimes it's just plain boring. Plus, by the way, it's impossible for me to actually skip the "boring" parts of my life. But fortunately I'm still moving forward, by necessity of the laws of nature, and everything changes. And what's more, everything changes in its own time (which is to say, everything changes on God's time, and not mine). My destination never changes--I know where I'll end up, and every day I'm another step closer--but for the present, I have to pay attention to my surroundings. And chances are good that something can be learned from those surroundings, even if it's as simple a thing as patience.

---

[1] from Serenity, the pilot episode of Firefly

active procrastiblogging

I desperately need new glasses.

I have re-superglued the crack on the left side about 11 times, and I am not kidding about this. The lens doesn't even fit into the frames the right way because the glue is in the way. I have found my current frames online and I could theoretically order them, if I can find a place that will a) take my insurance and b) use the frames I bought somewhere else. Or I could just go get new glasses like a normal person. But that would require, you know, taking the initiative to make an appointment and picking out new frames and everything.

I also registered for the GRE. Finally. And the date is coming up quickly--August the first, in case you were wondering--and I need to study for it. And I have some free study materials from on-the-lines, and a friend of mine gave my family a study book to borrow to read. I have not been able to pick it up from my mom's yet, but at least I can use it. Some day.

And while I'm in the process of studying, I want to be actually applying for school, since most deadlines are December-ish and I'm hoping to get it out of the way and off my chest. And also that applying early makes me look eager and enthusiastic (although realistically that probably doesn't matter). Applying means creating a CV, which is like a glorified resume from what I can tell, and also writing a statement of purpose. And that statement of purpose should be a piece of fluffywonderful angel food cake, because for goodness sake I've wanted to do this for years now and the hardest part of writing it should be keeping it between 300 and 500 words.

And I am avoiding all of this SO. HARD.

I still am not entirely sure why. I really and truly want to do all of these things. In my free thinking time I daydream about being back in school, about ~learning~ and about being a TA and then about teaching my very own Comp classes. I want to write my memoir (says the 23-year-old) and write my novel(s) and start translating Greek again. I want to use all this free summertime, because all I do right now is work.

Well. Work and stress about things that I need to do, instead of actually doing any of them. For goodness sake I spend more time writing about how I never write than I do actually... writing.

I have always had a problem with deadline-less projects. If there's no last minute, it just never gets done. So practically speaking, I will be studying for the GRE m a y b e two nights before the test, and definitely the day before. And I'll still feel like I'm winging it (which I will probably be doing anyway, but what can you do). I probably won't apply until December 6 (and the deadline for UWMad is Dec 8). I will probably have the mad scramble amid plenty of other plans and every time someone asks about the status of my application I will kick myself for not being on top of it.

But I don't want to DO those things. And I don't know how to fix them. I find reasons to excuse my lack of motivation--I don't have a desk, so I feel disorganized. I'm afraid of getting a bad test score, or of not getting into the school I want, so I put it off to defend myself from rejection. My early-to-bed work schedule makes it hard for me to focus because I'm worried about getting home and getting sleep (because I'm worried about falling asleep on my drive in to work). The excuses are endless. And they are all just excuses, and I know better.

I just don't know how to fix it. I am honestly starting to wonder if something is wrong with my brain, because I don't really think I have this weak of character that I can't just sit down and DO something. I also have anxiety about the passing of time, and then somehow I tend to use it stupidly even while I am angsting about needing to be productive. I feel disconnected and lost because the only person I am accountable to, really, is myself. And that's not a good enough reason to get shit done.

Let's skip past the self-esteem/emotional baggage part (I've been through that) and move right along to, "Piera, for the love of chocolate, you are 23 and out of college and married and living life mostly like an adult. It's time to grow the heck up and deal with yourself and your life and stop whining about this nonsense."

Or maybe I should be looking up local counselors because I have weird anxiety problems and it's affecting me in bizarre writer's-block-y ways.

I like neither one of these answers.

this is a pointless rant

I know this may come as a surprise to a lot of you fangirls out there, but LOKI IS A BADGUY.

Yeah yeah, I get the whole misunderstood thing, how he's just lost and lonely and feels betrayed and unloved and all that nonsense. But the thing is, he's had plenty of chances to get his head out of his ass and realize that (a) his father really did love him, frost giant heritage or not, and (b) everyone would have welcomed him back and tried to work it out if he had given up his "the throne should be mine" obsession back during Thor. But once The Avengers came around and Loki was still trippin from not being good enough to be king of Asgard, I kind of gave up wanting him to turn out okay.

I appreciate good character development. And a huge part of Loki's character development is understanding that he was adopted, and it really has to be a big deal to realize that your kinspeople are The Enemy and no one told you until you were an adult (although Odin chose not to tell him because he didn't want Loki to grow up feeling less important, so I have a hard time feeling TOO bad for his awkward discovery). Plus his brother is good at everything, and said brother used to be an arrogant impulsive jerk. So it kind of makes sense that Loki would be jealous upset when Thor, who fell out of favor (and out of Asgard), regains his father's respect and restores his rightful place as heir to the throne. Especially if Loki doesn't understand the change that happened to Thor on earth, because while us Americans watched him change, Loki only saw before and after shots, and he wasn't really paying attention anyway.

These are all important factors to consider when understanding Loki. He's not just evil for the sake of being evil; the argument could even be made that he's not evil at all, just misdirected and malajusted, and does that necessarily make a person evil?

But people, let's have some perspective. It's not necessarily the fault of Thor or Odin that Loki turned out the way he did. Loki's got a brain; he could have figured out. He could have shut up and listened to what they were trying to tell him, because while he may feel that they have betrayed him, they never actually did. Thor loves his brother, and that's evident through both of the movies. But Thor also isn't a wuss and doesn't just give Loki what he wants so Loki will quit with the temper tantrums. Sometimes people get hurt--that's life. And when people are hurt they react in weird ways, and even that is understandable, because everyone does it. But there comes a point when you just need to GET OVER YOURSELF ALREADY.  Life is about making choices. And Loki spends a good deal of his life making bad ones, and somehow this makes him a tragic hipster icon. ~~ooh look at Loki, he's all twisted and has sad puppy eyes and I just want to hug him and make it all okay.

What? Girls, for goodness sake. He isn't even badass enough to get minions--he needs to use mind control. And mind control is never okay. And did you notice the part where he monologues about power... but only to people who are obviously not as strong as him, because they're not even from the same world as he is (and by the way, it was maybe a bad idea to do it in Germany, where they're a little touchy about scary power-hungry leaders). And face it, you've got to be a little unstable to start spazzing out at the Hulk. So tell me, because I must be missing it--which part of this is attractive? He's a whiny brat who probably got that way because his dad felt bad that he was actually a frost giant, and let him get away with some stuff, which is how he turned into a greasy weasel. But once you reach a certain age, you need to start being accountable for your actions. Even IF his feelings of betrayal were justified (which really, they weren't), he still would need to eventually move on and learn to deal instead of throwing a temper tantrum.

I feel a little sympathy for people who are hurt and who go a little crazy as a result. Because we've all been there. But when you go crazy and stay crazy, and refuse to try to work it out with anyone, I don't want to hug you. Even if you do have sad puppy eyes.

why I won't make it to grad school

1. graduate college
2. get married
3. get a doctorate
4. be a professor

Good news: the pre-grad school preparations have begun, and although I promised myself to apply to multiple graduate schools, I have basically already decided where I want to go. But let us not yet worry about whether I will actually get in to said top-choice school, because I'm still stuck on the fact that I have to take the *#$!% GRE.

I just do NOT understand the point of standardized tests.

Okay, no. I guess that to some extent, I understand the point. The point is to have one standard test so that all people can be equally measured across the country, so that schools have something to go on as far as a person's intellectual level.

Fair enough. Standards have to happen I suppose. This is America after all. Except that's pretty much where its usefulness ends. Because I don't believe for a second that a standardized, sit-in-a-taupe-colored-air-conditioned-room-and-bring-your-fancy-calculator-just-in-case test is going to portray a person's intellectual level. Their analytical reasoning skills? Sure. But I don't see why schools consider this as a huge part of accepting you or not.

Personal Rant Disclaimers:

a) I want to study English, in which it is hard to pin down qualitative or logical Correct Answers, and not only that, but I want to study Composition and Rhetoric, which is about writing and not even about comprehending and analyzing literature. (comprehending and analyzing life, maybe, but who cares about how well i can do that). So maybe my rant is a little biased in that direction (because I don't know a thing about what it's like to be a business student or whathaveyou).

b) I don't actually know how much schools consider ACT/GRE scores. I know that a lot of program informational things will say how much it is relevant for the program, but nevertheless the school itself requires a certain score in order to be accepted.

c) The FAQ page of the GRE website pretty much says straight-up that they're measuring reasoning skills:

"Does the GRE revised General Test measure knowledge in any specific disciplines?     The GRE revised General Test measures your verbal reasoning, quantitative reasoning, critical thinking and analytical writing skills — skills that have been developed over a long period of time and are not related to a specific field of study but are important for all. The GRE revised General Test features question types that reflect the kind of thinking you'll do — and the skills you need to succeed — in today's demanding graduate and business school programs."

Well, good. I'm glad the GRE website knows what skills I'll need to succeed in "today's demanding graduate and business school programs" because I certainly don't. So maybe I should trust them and just learn how to take the damn test.

OR (and here the disclaimers end and my rant continues) I could continue doing what I do, which is think not as though I were programmed to regurgitate The Correct Answers. And to take on each class for what it is, that is, its own individual semester-long experience with different teachers, or even the same teachers with different subject material. When I need to apply my brain in a "qualitative reasoning" direction, I will do so. But I will be greatly affected by varying factors like the professor, or the curriculum, or the time of the year, or work, or my group partners, or whether I'm pregnant at that point, or whether I care enough to get anything higher than a C in that class.

And so someone please tell me why one solitary outside-of-anything-close-to-normal-life test is going to assess a person's actual ability to think qualitatively? Last time I checked, nothing in life can really be singled out and tested without any surrounding factors. Because everything in a person's life is connected by (go figure) that person, and that person is continuously being affected by... something.

And not only that, but (surprise, America!) not all people think equally or in accordance with some kind of standard. And certainly an argument can be made for people all meeting the same standard, because I do actually think that students should be expected to reach a certain standard, and also that said standard should not be lowered just because our kids are getting dumber (I'm going to get in trouble for that one). It's just that this standard is more or less impossible to asses on a national level. Because when the numbers get into the millions (or heck, even if they were just in the hundreds), no one would have the time to meet and talk to a person and figure out their story and how they apply their brain and what have they learned in the last four years of school. That's just... ridiculously impossible. It would be tricky even for 20 students. The fact of the matter is that people all learn differently, and a person's progress cannot be tracked without knowing that actual person. Sally might have made straight As and then gotten a high score on her test, but she hasn't actually improved her mind or really learned anything except how to take a test and how to impress a teacher. Tommy on the other hand might have gone from failing to getting pretty consistent Cs, but he'll get a lower score and Sally will be chosen for the competitive medical program even though Tommy's little sister died of cancer and he wants nothing more than to start researching ways to save other kid's little sisters--

--aaaand breathe wow I just got a little dramatic and carried away just there.

The point is: I don't think it makes sense to require a standard that really doesn't asses anything other than how well you take a test. The study guide section of the GRE website even says that you don't have to know actual information:

"Reading passages are drawn from many different disciplines and sources, so you may encounter material with which you are not familiar. Do not be discouraged if you encounter unfamiliar material; all the questions can be answered on the basis of the information provided in the passage."

Well how does that help anybody? Because the kicker, the real actual kicker, is that they already give you the answer. It's either A, B, C, or D, but it's there, and the Gamemakers (whoops sorry, that was a scarily apt Hunger Games reference just there) have already decided which one it is. So I don't even have to learn how to take a test ... I have to learn how to interpret a question that some group of Very Smart People has decided is relevant to my critical thinking skills. I wonder if anyone in that special group of people has a life, let alone a relationship, and what they actually do when they aren't constructing (poorly-written) paragraphs for us poor Tributes to analyze critically but also correctly.

I wonder if I can bypass this torture by writing a very intelligent and well-researched letter to UW-Madison explaining all the reasons I shouldn't have to take the GRE to prove that I would be a worthwhile student.

post script: i know that i'm breaking every single rule about citation with my url-link quotes. i also don't care, because i trust that you'll trust me not to make this shit up, and to be smart enough to find the quote if you care enough to click the link.

the human condition

My friend Jasmine found this article, and it actually doesn't sound like a terrible idea.

Arguments happen. Two people in a relationship will not always agree, and this results in a conflict. This is normal, and this is a part of what makes life interesting, to say the least. But I am always so confused when those arguments become actual fights ... because even while they're happening, a part of me is standing on the outside going "what the hell is wrong with you guys?!"

Don't get me wrong. I fight, and I fight dirty, and usually there isn't much to bring me down from my passionate indignant moment because I'm right, dammit, and the other guy is being a total moron, and why can't he see that? But you have to admit, once you've got a little space, you can look back and go "wow. that was kind of pointless." Because usually, they are. Well ... sort of. Usually the specific fight is pointless. But the big thing underneath the fight, the usually-unspoken-(semi)permanent-issue, is something that still needs fixing. And that's the thing that it's so hard to talk about, because sometimes it's even beyond our actual conscious thought process.

I guess the question I'm getting at is why do we fight. And the initial answer is pretty obvious. We have frustration with one thing in our lives and we take it out on the unfortunate person next to us. We have baggage from past relationships and project those issues on to the unfortunate person next to us. The person next to us does something that irritates us, and for whatever reason (see above) we snap and lash out at them for ticking us off. Heck, sometimes that other person is just being a jerk and we don't like it--and that actually gets closer to the question I'm asking.

What is that moment between "argument" (a conflict of interest) and "fight" (the kind with yelling, and slamming doors, and being so sure you're right that you refuse to see the other person's point). How does that happen? Why do we suddenly lose control and need to win? What are we even trying to win?

In my experience, these fights only happen with the people you love. Namely here the person with whom you are in a romantic relationship. And in that scenario, isn't the idea to work together? To take on the rest of life side by side (or back to back, depending on the situation)? So why is it that it's so easy for conflict to put the two of you at war with each other?

... I don't have an answer for this, if that's what you're hoping for. I mean obviously people fight because they perceive that something they value (usually about themselves) is being attacked. And then they want to defend it, and when people are defensive they are also ... offensive. And that's where the fights start. And yes, let us not forget that there is sin in the world and no one is perfect. Selfish nature wins involuntarily over love, and we put our own bad self (see what I did there) over the other person's well-being, and a fight is begun.

Okay. I get all of this. So that's where the fight sparks to life. But what keeps us going? Where do our brains GO in that half hour, and why can we come back together at the end of it, or even a day later, and go "wow that was stupid, let's never do THAT again"? Are we no longer ourselves when we fight? Do we just check out and let the territorial angry-animal side take over for a little while? Why is it so impossible to take a minute to try to see it from the other person's point of view, and try to understand what is bothering them, and (most importantly) put that person's interests before our own and therefore not only resolve the dispute but also help that person?

I know, I know. Original sin. Sinful human nature. I guess the answer is obvious; it's just not an answer I want, because I can't do anything about it. So maybe a safe-word would help, because that distance from each other is what clears heads and helps people think more rationally. More like themselves. The problem is that you have to have a certain amount of humility to call that time-out, and when I'm all crazed and animal-like it's kind of hard to muster that up.

post script: muster is such a weird word

things to take: a breath; stuff to storage; one day at a time

I haven't written in a while and this is kind of disappointing to me, since I was pretty excited to have a blog that wasn't just a compilation of funny and/or geeky re-posts of pictures or quotes (that's what tumblr is for). But I think the problem here is that I haven't yet figured out this blog's purpose. I created it on a day when I was feeling particularly wise and intellectual, and I have tried to write only things that had some sort of intellectual point to them. And then I kind of stopped, because sometimes I just don't feel intellectual... sometimes I just feel regular, or even kind of silly (or even kind of dumb), and then I don't feel moved to write anything at all.

So maybe that's my problem: that I need to feel inspired, one way or another, to write something smart. I have to be feeling it, and I have to have the time and nothing else to do in order to feel that way. I also have to be inside, because it's hard to see my laptop screen inside and I really like to be outside when it's so damn nice out.

But then I leave this blog to sit and gather dust, and I spend a lot of time reading (which is good) but not writing (which ... is less good). I keep waiting for days off (like today) so I can sit in Arcadia (the Spring Green bookstore/coffee house) and write something thoughtful and intellectual, and then I get here and discover that this blank-page of a day is too wide open for me to make up my mind. Do I want to finish my hard copy of the Princess Bride? or do I want to start Water for Elephants, which I have just borrowed to my brand new Kindle? Am I feeling up to applying my mind to my email to Keaton, or to a similar discussion with a friend over previous posts? Should I be studying for the GRE so I can pick a day at random to take the exam, so I can start applying to grad schools? (there's a right answer to that last one, and it's "yes" except ... ugh. studying for standardized tests is NOT how I want to spend any day, let alone a day off).

On the bright side, all of my options are relatively intelligent. Lack of internet access means no watching of netflix, so I can even go home and do smart things, since I don't technically need the internet for them. But going home means finishing thank-you notes (which are already a month overdue) or packing up wedding gifts so we can get them out of the living room and into our (overpriced) storage unit. Going home means what am I making for dinner, and maybe I should nap on the porch because it's just mmm so lovely out there.

I guess that's my life right now. A big blank page of "you just got married! what are you gonna do next??" filled with a lot of good intentions but not a lot of action. And to top it all off, I really miss being around my friends back home or back at school, and even though I really want to go to UW Madison for school, I don't look forward to the fact that it will be a few years before I'll be able to call one of them up for a last-minute Target run.

Days like today remind me that life is still ... life-y, even though it feels like a major section of the story has concluded and I've begun a new one (entitled "Grown Up and Married and Everything"). It's actually pretty awesome to realize that all I'm doing is working right now, and I have wide open afternoons to sit and be intellectual. I've been reading a ton and I have writing projects and it's actually pretty lucky that I don't have internet at home, so the battle is really between me and myself. I think this summer is going to be about making decisions (to read or to write ... that is the question) and about being less stressed out about time. Days off happen twice a week whether I realize it or not, and they don't have to be chock-full of Getting Stuff Done!!! because there are still five other afternoons to do things. And I have no deadlines for any of this (another blessing-and-curse, but there it is). And the sun will be here, all summer, and I will still get to spend some time in it, even if I also spend some time in Arcadia writing posts with unexpected and less-than-truly-intellectual themes.

the wretched stone

I keep setting aside time to use the internet at Starbucks. And then I sit and tool around on the facebook, and scroll down my tumblr feed until I get bored, and then I realize that unless I actually want to Sit & Write, there’s no point to being online. And even if I did want to S&W, I don’t necessarily need the computer for that. At least not for the writing part. And i don’t feel like being intelligent just now … so … I’m basically just wasting time.

And I’ve been thinking a lot about this, especially since we don’t have internet at the new house yet. And part of me (a very foreign part, I might add) thinks that maybe I don’t really need to have internet. Because when I don’t have it, I find other things to do with my time. Like read or write or clean or whatever. It’s kind of crazy to be honest.

BUT then again - what about important emails, or if i want to study for the GRE (which I can do online for free vs paying for a hard copy of the material) or looking up directions, or things like that? Gotta admit, it’s handy having internet at the your fingertips. For both procrastiblogging and for staying on top of life-things.

Granted, I don’t think I’ll need to worry about real-life stuff for the next couple months, so it’s not like I need internet right at this moment. And in reality, there are three other people in the house and they will probably vote on getting intarwebs (and then the issue will be whether I have the self control to stay away or not… probably not).

plus-netflix!

-_-

It is a quite interesting place to be.

in which piera admits that blogging is a relatively cowardly way of voicing her thoughts

(because I know that not a whole lot of people read this blog, and I'm pretty sure I know all of you anyway, and it's not a public mini-feed forum like facebook)

Fact: I hate getting involved in political discussions, namely because I rarely know enough to form an opinion worth having. I have vague ideas of opinions, but since I'm too lazy to do research I just try to stay away altogether.

Fact: I dislike getting involved in religious discussions, because they are largely political, and because I am afraid to misrepresent that which I believe. I also hate getting into heated debates when it is obvious that there will not be a clear "winner." Most people get pretty worked up when you suggest they might be headed in the wrong direction (heck, just say the word "wrong" to most people and you might as well be talking to a wall), and I have not found the courage to step into a discussion like this, because at the end of it I am afraid of ruining my relationships. Therefore I usually shy away from discussions with people who do not share my general perspectives on faith and its relevance in everyday life. I am not proud of this fact (and this habit tends toward [is?] the sin of omission), but this is, as previously stated, just a fact.

Another (unfortunate?) fact is that I don't always voice my opinions in the Lutheran realm either. I have found that I stray toward the liberal side of conservative, and if I speak up without a well-armed artillery of reasonable support for my thoughts, I find myself not only talking to a wall, but talking to a wall who will spend a decently long amount of time convinced that I am straying from the one true God. Or the one true doctrine, depending on the person/wall. This is unfortunate, because I have several great topics of discussion that I wouldn't mind getting into (and I definitely wouldn't mind some feedback, or having more things to ponder)—but there are always the possibilities of misrepresenting my thoughts (or beliefs), or of taking the discussion from "intellectual" to "emotional and personal" and therefore causing problems between myself and the other person. So I pick and choose my battles discussions, and keep quiet about the rest.

All of that having been said, I wish to post an image that I will not, for all of the previously-stated reasons, share on the facebook.

Comments are welcome, but I will be scared of them. Regardless of who you are.

i've never written fan mail before

I just finished the book Pegasus by Robin McKinley. it was … incredible. just like everything she writes. I “liked” her page on facebook, added her blog to my favorites list, and posted this on her wall:

When I reach the end of your novels I am generally shocked to remember that I am reading a book and that good writers have the freedom to end their novels whenever and however they like. I closed Pegasus about ten minutes ago (after staring helplessly at the last few blank pages for a minute or two) and got online praying to see an announcement, or even a rumor, of a sequel. I won’t *like* being troubled for two years, but at least there is hope for resolution.

Thank you for continuing to tell fantastic stories.

… I’m not-so-secretly hoping she replies to me. #bigdork

She's on the list of authors I want to be like one day. Not in the sense of copying their writing (because that would be silly) but because she, among a few others (Gail Carson Levine, Megan Whalen Turner, Tamora Pierce), has a way of writing that draws me in so completely that sometimes I really do forget that I'm sitting in the breakroom at Starbucks and I have to be back at work in 7 minutes. I'm always mildly embarrassed to admit that I read "young adult fantasy fiction," and more so to admit that sometimes I need to read them in the privacy of my room, where I can allow the story to take me somewhere else, and I can allow myself to be completely and emotionally involved in the story.

And then I remember that there are authors out there who continue to write these novels, and write them for people like me. And that they also want to be whisked away to a foreign land and spend enough time there to fall in love, and come back to the world with new ideas and new memories--and that, in the end, is why they keep writing.