My friend Jasmine found this article, and it actually doesn't sound like a terrible idea.
Arguments happen. Two people in a relationship will not always agree, and this results in a conflict. This is normal, and this is a part of what makes life interesting, to say the least. But I am always so confused when those arguments become actual fights ... because even while they're happening, a part of me is standing on the outside going "what the hell is wrong with you guys?!"
Don't get me wrong. I fight, and I fight dirty, and usually there isn't much to bring me down from my passionate indignant moment because I'm right, dammit, and the other guy is being a total moron, and why can't he see that? But you have to admit, once you've got a little space, you can look back and go "wow. that was kind of pointless." Because usually, they are. Well ... sort of. Usually the specific fight is pointless. But the big thing underneath the fight, the usually-unspoken-(semi)permanent-issue, is something that still needs fixing. And that's the thing that it's so hard to talk about, because sometimes it's even beyond our actual conscious thought process.
I guess the question I'm getting at is why do we fight. And the initial answer is pretty obvious. We have frustration with one thing in our lives and we take it out on the unfortunate person next to us. We have baggage from past relationships and project those issues on to the unfortunate person next to us. The person next to us does something that irritates us, and for whatever reason (see above) we snap and lash out at them for ticking us off. Heck, sometimes that other person is just being a jerk and we don't like it--and that actually gets closer to the question I'm asking.
What is that moment between "argument" (a conflict of interest) and "fight" (the kind with yelling, and slamming doors, and being so sure you're right that you refuse to see the other person's point). How does that happen? Why do we suddenly lose control and need to win? What are we even trying to win?
In my experience, these fights only happen with the people you love. Namely here the person with whom you are in a romantic relationship. And in that scenario, isn't the idea to work together? To take on the rest of life side by side (or back to back, depending on the situation)? So why is it that it's so easy for conflict to put the two of you at war with each other?
... I don't have an answer for this, if that's what you're hoping for. I mean obviously people fight because they perceive that something they value (usually about themselves) is being attacked. And then they want to defend it, and when people are defensive they are also ... offensive. And that's where the fights start. And yes, let us not forget that there is sin in the world and no one is perfect. Selfish nature wins involuntarily over love, and we put our own bad self (see what I did there) over the other person's well-being, and a fight is begun.
Okay. I get all of this. So that's where the fight sparks to life. But what keeps us going? Where do our brains GO in that half hour, and why can we come back together at the end of it, or even a day later, and go "wow that was stupid, let's never do THAT again"? Are we no longer ourselves when we fight? Do we just check out and let the territorial angry-animal side take over for a little while? Why is it so impossible to take a minute to try to see it from the other person's point of view, and try to understand what is bothering them, and (most importantly) put that person's interests before our own and therefore not only resolve the dispute but also help that person?
I know, I know. Original sin. Sinful human nature. I guess the answer is obvious; it's just not an answer I want, because I can't do anything about it. So maybe a safe-word would help, because that distance from each other is what clears heads and helps people think more rationally. More like themselves. The problem is that you have to have a certain amount of humility to call that time-out, and when I'm all crazed and animal-like it's kind of hard to muster that up.
post script: muster is such a weird word
I enjoyed the article. You really can't continue an argument after one person angrily huffs, "Snuffleupagus!"
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I happen to be bi-polar, so the overly-emotional thing comes into play pretty frequently with me. Joe has the miraculous ability to stay calm and focus on the real points of the issue. I mean, who does that? And it's really hard to holler at someone who's trying to calmly, sanely reason with you. So I usually calm down and we have a real discussion. And sometimes, things don't get fully resolved because there are some things that can't ever get resolved, but we usually walk away feeling better, with the knowledge that we won't let this thing mess with us. I am terribly grateful for that.
ANYWAY, I've found that having an argument while taking a walk helps a lot. Your energy is going into your feet, not into your voice. You don't have to look the other person in the face, which I think makes it easier to stay on point. Then there's no "That FACE did something rude to me the other day," or "That FACE thinks I'm ridiculous, I'll show him!" Idk, it helps me not to have to look at someone's face while arguing. Then I can't feed off their reactions as much. Plus, part of your attention is diverted when walking, so you know where you are and don't trip. It's not enough to make the argument itself hard, but it's enough to not let your brain go back to all the past wrongs and slights you've suffered.
this is also a really good idea. it would be hard for me because i really need to focus on what i'm saying (because i have a hard time speaking words that make sense, as opposed to writing them down or something). but i also get cagey and twitchy when we talk about things that important so maybe it would be a good exercise (see what i did there?)
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